Rihanna Saves Us All, Saves Herself for All Of Us (I HOPE)

This better get embedded it's too huge to go other ways:



Well even though Ted Nugent is only killing chickens on cable TV and not cutting records that rock as hard as State of Shock, it is nevertheless a tumultuous Monday for the 'biz; Maroon 5 once again blasted off the Number One spot, this time jammed down by two new tunes: one by Rihanna ft. Jay-Z (this is the real comeback forget Kingdom Come-backs), the other by WHO CARES IT BUMPED MAROON 5 DOWN ANOTHER NOTCH.

So with all this nonsense tossing up the received order of divine rule by the likes of such monarchal bastards as Maroon 5, we've got a regular reformation going on. If my stolen internet doesn't step up its game in short order, I'm gonna have to roll to the coffee shop around the corner to properly blogument this sonic shift, nail some theses to the door, do what I have to do, because this shit is exciting.

Rihanna is back! Last year I went to New York City for my birthday and we stumbled through a hangover and some story pitches while listening to "S.O.S.," Soft-Cell "Tainted Love," and Gloria Jones "Tainted Love," and the sun shone and it was hot. We made the whole situation start to matter in that Park Slope swelter.

Is it a fact that summer is here?

Looks like it. This "Umbrella" Number One jam does what "Crazy in Love" did several years ago; place Jay-Z as a flowing counterpoint to a crazy-sexy R&B sensation making convincingly genuine, cohesive sensual paeans to fidelity, old-school romanticism, and more.

I'm liking Jay-Z flowing at the beginning. Although "Crazy"'s loco flows were way hotter and worked better as a climax that gave emphasis to the blasting horns that really made the song, I like the Jay-as-chorus-line/ringmaster idea, where he spits a couple lines introducing a song's overarching themes (rain, Rihanna), then lets the lady elaborate. From this standpoint, Hov can't lose; he still has a controlling position; structural primacy and the cred to let you know what's new with Rihanna or whoever and why this song is hot. He keeps it brief, we keep listening, and in the back of our minds we might even thank Jay for bringing this little number to our attention.

The controlling metaphor/image - "You can stand under my Umbrella" resembles the fidelity stylized in country songs - I'm thinking "I Will Always Love You," and if you need water metaphors to make a full connection, "Islands in the Stream."

Listen to these lines from the chorus:

When the sun shines
We’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)

The rhythm is perfect poetry-wise (maybe singing-wise for you Jack Spicer fans out there, but I think even you can fuck with this shit), and note the sound-poem punctuation at the end, reminiscent only lyrically of Eminem's "Square Dance" (eeeh eeh ahh eeeh ah) among other songs. A singer/rapper can only do this when they've mastered the sounds in question to such a great degree that they'll give listeners a peek behind the curtain and say "Listen to these syllables. These are the syllables I used to make this thing that you enjoy."

Let's not forget the degree of fidelity expressed in this song. It's the degree of fidelity that only occurs when you're first falling in love with someone, when you really think there is no one else, when that spell falls over you the first time you wake up and her arm's around you and the sun shines outside and makes that white rectangle on your bed. Rihanna feels that way, too, sometimes, judging by the way she delivers this song; it's about sex but it's about sex the way sex is a gateway to a truly great friendship.

May through July have typically been good months in the romance department, starting when I was twelve and kissed a girl at French camp, came home semi-cured from depression, and carrying through the college years when the sun would bring the tank tops out and sexual discoveries just started to make more sense for the ladies. As such, any tune that comes around at this crucial moment, showing a woman devoted sincerely and totally to some idea of heterosex life (although there's not explicit mention of dude parts in "Umbrella," I don't know I just will keep considering Rihanna as straight just so my hopes remain alive - I don't think I mentioned she caresses herself naked AND dodges CGI water in this video) totally rules my summer, provided the beat is somewhat sweltering and somelady gives me her phone number within a couple weeks of the song's debut on the charts.

Step one is complete. Now we'll have to see about step two. This is the first number one song I've blogged that I've liked just as much as I've thought about. Fucking two Ideelz way way up. RIHANNA THX SO MUCH I <3 U.