Saturday, August 04, 2007

Ideas Re Bourne Ultimatum

the Bourne movies have left behind perhaps the strongest residue of mainstream anti-government paranoia since '70s thrillers like The Parallax View and Three Days Of The Condor. (Tobias, Scott. "The Bourne Ultimatum." The Onion A.V. Club. August 2, 2007.)

Amid the new and familiar faces (David Strathairn and Joan Allen), it introduces a couple of power-grasping, smooth-talking ghouls and stark reminders of Abu Ghraib that might make you blanch even if you don’t throw up. (Dargis, Manohla. "Still Searching, but with Darker Eyes." New York Times. August 3, 2007.)

Before we go into the Bourne movie, let's jog over to YouTube for a sec to watch Slavoj Zizek deliver an incisive look at what is wrong with September 11 and the two 2006 movies that depicted its events (for those that don't know, that's United 93 and World Trade Center).

[. . .]

Apparently the clip I watched on YouTube yesterday violates the terms of use, so I'll have to sum up the points Zizek made. Since we're talking Greengrass here I'm going to leave World Trade Center largely out of the discussion, although most of the points apply to both films.

Despite 93's vaunted realism (it was in real time, it was coldly neutral in its dealing with the terrorists), its apparent neutrality gives it an unexpected political message. Because 93 deals primarily with ordinary people in an extraordinary moment, its main message is one of humanity triumphing over adversity. In this way, 93 is not an exceptional film, plot-wise. By making September 11 into a heartwarming tale of the human spirit, the film robs the day's events of their necessarily political context. That Greengrass uses a cinematic technique we call ultra-realism makes this robbery all the more insidious, in that we come to believe that, in watching United 93, we're actually watching history as it happened. This, of course, is an absurd belief; United 93 is a Hollywood picture that takes place projected on a screen. It is as unreal as The Bourne Ultimatum.

Greengrass's way of dealing with violence has not changed much since The Bourne Supremacy. The camera wobbles furiously, fight scenes are fraught with confusion - as with cock-fights, it's difficult to tell in Greengrass's world who is winning until one man lays on the floor unconscious or covered in blood.

This technique employs so many conventions of films we consider realist (homemade video, cell-phone cameras used to capture a trajedy, the jiggly footraces of the COPS TV series) that Greengrass has succeeded in convincing his audience that his movies produce a transcendent truth. Dargis talks at length in her review of Ultimatum about the consequences of violence, how we are robbed of the thrill of violence by being thrown in the middle of the fights; the camera reels as a blow is struck, and presumably, so do we.

More insidiously, the movie flashes to scenes in which Jason Bourne experiences simulated drowning and executes a man he does not know, a man who wears a black cowl over his head. These gestures toward torture at Guantanamo Bay and Abu Ghraib firmly situate the Bourne movies in our political context. How we feel about violence as depicted according to the conventions of hyper-realism in The Bourne Ultimatum reflects how we think we feel about it in real life.

One cannot mistake the political message of the first two-and-a-half Bourne movies. It is one of natural and necessary skepticism toward the American intelligence community, which throughout the trilogy is a society of thieves, zealots, and the power-mad, where the good die young in dark basements at the hands of their superiors or are unceremoniously fired for objecting the the atrocities they commit.

In the final scenes of the Ultimatum, this skepticism is nearly completely subverted. The baddies are brought to justice, the stern but feminine Pamela Landy presumably gets promoted to run the CIA, and a new era of ethical black ops begins, the illusion rule of law returns, etc. Meanwhile, Jason Bourne, a character rivaled perhaps only by Jack Bauer in his status as a U.S. foreign policy action figure, lays inert, floating in water. The audience is uncertain as to whether he is dead, until the final moment of the movie, when he jerks back to life. America applauds; their superhuman master of violence and torture has been resurrected (the Guantanamo-style simulated drowning no doubt served as preparation), and now, finally, the CIA is an organization we can trust.

It may be that Paul Greengrass more effectively articulates the American inability to deal with its current political situation than any other director currently making films. By shaking the camera around during a fight scene, Greengrass places us into the situation we think we face in the real world. When we're there, we cheer as our American boy fights foreigners and toughens himself up with torture. The resolution we feel at the end of the Bourne trilogy is not a resolution of our feelings toward violence; we're still glad Bourne is there to fuck some shit up. Instead, our feelings have changed toward American institutions of violence - we've come to trust them. In this sense, perhaps Paul Greengrass is not actually as courageous a filmmaker as we thought. Riveting? Certainly. But honest? Probably not.

The Bourne Ultimatum rocks out. It's awesome to see America win. But Bourne's ultimate message - that we should be comforted that the evil and power-hungry in our nation's inner circles are exceptions and not the rule - is not as hyper-realist as the shakey cameras we're treated to during our American boy's fist fights.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

HOLY SHIT WHO THE HELL IS SEAN KINGSTON

It's getting so a man can't leave his keys for a minute to pursue career opportunities. It's getting so things like this begin to happen:



It's getting so I am losing my keys (more on Sean Kingston in a second).

I set them on the coffee table before I go out to The Matador to get some Carne Asada tacos (they were on happy hour but I just had to have some black beans and rice with it). I sit alone listening to lawyers gabble about their "PROBLEMS." When my plate is empty I throw a twenty in the big black wallet they use at nice places, then an extra ten because my waitress is pregnant, then stand up, when a barfly leans over the fence (I was sitting on the patio):

"HEY! MIKE!"
"HI STEVE I'LL MEET YOU OUTSIDE."

Just as I'm crossing the threshold a meaty skinhead with a black button-down shortsleeve accosts me with some restaurant politesse:

"HEY ARE YOU LEAVING YOUR TABLE?" (In floor-manager talk this means "I think you just skipped out on your tab but I can't say exactly that so I'll say this instead.")

"YEAH I'M LEAVING. THANKS FOR ASKING."

I have one tequila drink and some tacos in me, and the carne is pretty tasty, the tacos gourmet-tasting with all that cilantro, but even that is not enough to put me in a good enough mood, thanks to baldy. It's getting so a man can't be unshaven and wear a T-shirt into an upscale place in downtown Tacoma without people thinking he's a meth-head in for a freeload.

So I greet Steve the barfly on the outside and he asks me about the move to Brooklyn. He's got the dog he got back from his ex wife and he looks happy. Maybe that girl who left him in San Francisco finally called him back. I'm listening halfway because I've stuck my hand in my pocket and:

1) My box of cigarettes is empty
2) My keys are nowhere on my person

Shit I never leave home without a set, but here I am, looking over at the shaven floor manager's piggish dome as he buses my table. Our eyes meet again, and I give him one of those head-nods with my lower lip under my teeth to show him I'm not gonna say the "F" word in front of all these nice people but I sure have that first letter ready in case the scene changes. And I'm doing this all without the comforting metallic sound and feel of keys jangling in my pocket.

Long story short, I ride the 11 all the way to Matt's winebar to pick up his set and ride back downtown to, ironically, help some "I like the lights" girl back into her apartment ("Locked herself out," but carrying a ring of keys that would make a dungeonmaster envious). We sip on some Budweisers and she tells me stories from her childhood (hiding in the clothes racks, likes The Fountainhead) and I ask her why she's always hanging out with at least half a dozen men and no ladies in sight.

[. . .]

"...and I never cry."

"I bet you cry all the time."

"Humph! THAT'S REALLY FUNNY."

One thing leads to another, (strictly) conversationally, and finally the question:

"YOU DONT WANT TO FUCK ME TOO DO YOU"

"YEAH I DO" I am an honest man.

"OH FUCKING GREAT" She's sitting in the window that overlooks the trash compactor, petite with tattoos all over her chest and one full sleeve. She drags off her Camel Menthol (I had one too so I can't say much about that) and looks like an upset tough-girl who's had too much to drink. She might even be fighting back tears, I don't know, I've been doing online marketing for a magazine since 7:30 a.m. so I'm a little bleary-eyed.

Pretty soon we're just watching Green Street Hooligans in silence and she goes to the bathroom (faucet running). She comes back suddenly K.O.ed, which is good cause I was trying to figure out a decent way to leave her apartment, but I'm too distracted by the water running, which doesn't cover anything up it just makes it sound like this chick has a fucking flume between her legs.

So I check back across the hall to my place, put on some "Banging Camp," and sip on a Keystone Light while I wait for Matt to get back. He does, we drink and smoke a while, then it's lights out.

This is the kind of thing that happens when you step away from your blog for too long.

There used to be a band, no a "group" more like, called the Kingston Trio, with a girl and two guys. She probably saw each one of them naked, and after the first couple tours she stopped running the faucet every time she used the bathroom in their shared Motel 6 room. Maybe one night she got into some nasty nast with the mandolin guy and lil' Sean was on his way of a sudden. Maybe she read Atlas Shrugged while he lit a cigarette. Maybe all of this happened in Kingston, Jamaica. Anyway, everything in this paragraph is absolute truth, for all I know about Sean Kingston. So I'll have to get back to you on that.

"Hey There Delilah," in the meantime, is a piece of lovelorn shit.

Friday, July 20, 2007

Security Update: Tacoma Public Library

A twenty-something dude's girlfriend approached him as he was using the computer card catalog*:

"What's taking so long?"

[Voice louder than appropriate, even if used outside a library, which it wasn't (it was used inside)] "I'd be done already, but there's bum cum all over the keyboards!"

There is some serious class conflict in this library. I wouldn't be surprised to see an increase in already-ludicrous levels of security.

*Cannot access internet/porn.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Island Nations: A Thing Thereabout



1) Quatloos, a "Cyber-Museum of Scams & Frauds" discusses a scheme involving a fictitious island nation called the Dominion of Melchizedek. From Quatloos:
The so-called Dominion of Melchizedek (hereinafter "DoM") is a fake nation which exists only in cyberspace, or in the literature and actions of the scam artists who perpetrate this fraud. There is no real Dominion of Melchizedek, but this doesn't stop the scammers from selling utterly worthless bank licenses for tens-of-thousands of dollars.

The DoM attempts to hold itself out as some sort of quasi-religious body, even to the point of having its own version of the Bible. But for all their self-righteousness, the truth is that the DoM not only commits fraud, but also materially facilitates the fraud of others by creating phony banks, stock exchanges, arbitration forums, etc., in an attempt to give some illusory legitimacy to criminals who are directly defrauding the public by way of pyramid-scheme bank debenture scams and other criminal schemes.

According to Melchizedek's Web site (which DOES EXIST), the President of the country, whose name appears below a Star of David, is a former law enforcement official from Los Angeles (he doesn't really exist, but they have a photo!).

The story rapidly gets less slightly less interesting when reality kicks in. The guys behind the Dominion are just a father-son team of felons convicted of evil doings numerous times.

The story gets more interesting again when you realize there are several fictitious island nations on the Internet. Presumably they could declare war on each other in some sort of Battlespace Involving Information.

But back to the main thing: Tlon kind of happened in 1996!

Monday, July 16, 2007

My Job of Many Colors


Applying for a job at a major media research company, I came across the following (optional) drop-down-menu question (if I knew HTML I could probably actually program the thing right in here. Maybe I'll get a book from the library today, but probably not):

Ethnicity:

-Hispanic (Spanish-Speaking)
-Not Hispanic (Spanish-Speaking)

I mean they had a separate category for "Race," but still pretty funny that a company openly parses job applicants along the Hispanic-Not divide.

This brings me to a larger point mostly about the Facebook, but about other Web sites too. For a while, the "Political Views" category on the FB's profile information yielded a drop-down menu with, I think, five categories: Very Liberal, Liberal, Moderate, Conservative, Very Conservative. People responded (at least I picture it this way) largely by gleefully placing themselves in one of these categories ("Conservative"), thinking about it for a second then deciding that it wasn't that big a deal even if the labels weren't perfect ("Liberal," "Very Liberal"), or out-and-out flouting Zuckerberg's categories and refusing to answer the question (the soon-to-be-added "Others").

Right, right. We took Anthropology and Sociology in undergrad so we all got that factoid about the Census and college applications forcing people to identify themselves using problematic categorizations. But it appears that we could easily allow people to type in their own categorizations, then dump the entries in a database, control for misspellings or variations on the same concept, and get a more adequate distribution of data. If we felt like imposing problematic categories on the data ex-post, we certainly wouldn't have a problem doing so; we'd just have to, for example, include "biracial" self-identifiers in the larger "minority" category. At least the underlying data would be more specific.

In my mind I'm picturing infinitely divided pie-charts. Each slice is a slightly different shade of the color next to it. Look at it one way, it's a color wheel; just some red, some yellow, whatever. Look closer, and there's a bajillion variations. With computers, we should be able to make job-applicant pools act in a similar way. There seems precious little reason for the multiple-choice cop-out now that we have Google or even, God help us, Concordance.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Executive Thrasher

From the guy over at Water and Vegetables, in case you haven't seen it:



I can do this because it's skateboard related. Sorry about not blogging for a sec but I've been doing edit tests for magazines pretty nonstop. It can drain even the savviest of sieves, including me. See you tomorrow with some actual ideas. Or maybe in a couple minutes.

Monday, July 09, 2007

COME OUT TO PLAAAAY

Like Cam throwing that laughable dis at Hov in '05, I feel I will ultimately lose a battle with Hua Hsu but someone has to throw a shot here.

The impetus for the gig comes from a Hsu Slate slideshow documenting in slapdash fashion the way YouTube has caused the demise of rap battles.

My main beef here is that, according to Hsu, rap battles go back to '96 (some might say they go back further but let's stick within the guy's argument). Despite this long and storied history and the elapsed time between the epic battles (often years), it's only been like six to twelve months since rappers have been using YouTube, and although maybe some of this idea about using a new medium to replace dis tracks has some weight, I can't help but think that in six more months we'll have a "The Rap Battle's Rebirth: Rappers Using YouTube To Do Awesome Freestyles," all because rappers went back to rapping after dabbling in the vids.

I'm thinking it'd be very easy for a rapper to say something like "You don't even rap you just YouTube" but making it rhyme, and suddenly everyone will be back on the mixtapes. But it might not even have to go that far ... Allhiphop.com shows Gucci Mane dissing T.I. in a (strictly!!!) audio file that was uploaded two hours and thirty six minutes ago, showing at least a little heartbeat on the dis track's monitor.

Beyond all that, Hsu's claim that YouTube vids are unimaginative neglects the creativity involved in the new artform. Cam and 50 are throwing cool video shots at one another, the disses aren't as "unimaginative" as is claimed, and video and audio are by no means mutually exclusive, so even if YouTube replaces the mix tape, who's to say it's bad for the music or the creative expression?

Add those shakey stilts to the massive counterexample of Lil Wayne's audiofiles actually posted on YouTube (often only with only a still shot of himself kinda like the TK thing I wrote about earlier). The "Ether" and "Show Me What You Got" disses on Jay-Z basically put the one nails not hammered by Kingdom Come firmly in the pinebox. I'm shaking mad at arguments made more to get a piece together than to show something really happening. Like the YouTube thing is a bit in itself, why throw in "It's bad for rap" for almost no reason.

So the whole thing just makes me a lil frowny on the edges.

Power to the People Making AdSense with Their Mouths

Is Jessica Hopper Dennis Hopper's hard-partying, hard-faced, wildly fuckable daughter who ultimately just wants to be cuddled in the middle of the night?

[. . .]

[. . .]

Of course not.

Sulky points me to this tinyluckygenius, who judging by her screen name thinks some pretty good things about herself, and suddenly I'm reading pseudo-art blog posts that try to take a Strokes angle on the trials and tribs of loving music and being a feminist at the same time (apparently these things are at odds, sometimes).

None of this would really be a thing if Sulks didn't point out to me that this lady did some simmering a summer ago by starting a big thing about the Magnetic Fields guy being a racist, all of which was pretty ridic in the wash (I'm not together on all the details, but from what I hear Hopper dissed the singer for writing in the Times that he liked music and listing only white performers), but illustrates the power of baby girl's angles.

My knee-jerk has me urged to riff all over this as lamezoid bligablag in a similar way that Keyhole dissed Manohla Dargis for taking a throwaway feminist jab at Transformers.

But on second thought, are we so wrong to hate on someone for being unnerved by Kelly and The Game? Feminist reactions to chauvinism in hip hop are usually beside the point in my mind but not totally without merit, and it's not like the genius doesn't have any moves. Plus you don't want to always be the guy who's defending meatheaded stuff about hating women as not really hating women or "just words."

The cityskape is alive with a lot of ugly stuff, and some of it is probably even worth blogging. Living in Taco-town has taught me that much, so I gave the tiny dancer a chance. I zipped to her most recent post and suddenly she even had me going with her on a ride for a sec:
So out of desperation, you and your friends go the bar you hate trying to make good on yr efforts, and the vibe is like an episode of Cheaters and everyone is acting like the James Spader character in an 80's teen drama and you sit there sucking down yr ice water and thinking "I put on shoes for this?!"

Good refs, the sentence has speed and the lady is doing some observations. The shoes thing is maybe a little Sex and the City, but hey it's 2007 and L7 and Bratmobile now mostly appear on XM 54 between midnight and one a.m., so I can't blame Hopper for some pomo third-wave pogoing, even if generally I'm not for it. We can at least relate to hating what you're doing in the search of fun, and there's some directions you can take with an observation that's acute like this.

So, Hoptown, where you driving this motorcycle? To a graveyard with a pocket full of acid tabs? In other words, are you taking this lonesome cityskape snippet to a place that will make us understand this internet-and-80s-mediated world a little better? Do you love them ho's?
You walk home with your best friend, each carrying an end of yr bent up bike, trying to remember the chronology of the Husker Du discography and it's all the lame-fun you need right there. Aging loners waxing nerdy in the night light.

NO!

Hoppers doesn't even close us out with a complete sentence. Yeah you're a feminist but you ain't [got] a predicate.

But this brings us to an interesting juncture. I've thought before about music being largely a thing that mediates our life and permeates through our personalities, illustrating our prejudices and highlighting our personal experiences more than being a thing that just sits outside ourselves that we can critique in a sorta highfalutin' way. I've also claimed that I would rather read reviews that contain anecdotes and illustrative examples and bracket notions of whether a tune is good or not in favor of discussing its intersection with real life, something music writers are rarely interested in.

So maybe the situation is that to get at this arty approach to "culture" minutely defined as that which media-savvy people with B.A.'s and some connections to magazines think about, we're going to get some stuff/criticism/anecdoting that isn't totally heartfelt, maybe even a little hateful, and / or not really interested in the right things. And a bajillion people are sometimes going to read it.

Blogger/journalists who can sometimes write a sentence can get surprisingly far in this game, regardless to the level of thought in their ideas or the checkability of their refs. And sometimes an odd perversion of PC comes through and people can even be attacked over it??? And without complete sentences! I'm gonna write awktown and I'm gonna mean it.

But, as they say, we're all just bloggin.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

A Good Typo

Faceboom.com

Thought about Wrestling and Rap

John Cena Reverses Mystikal's Career Trajectory by Rapping First Then Joining the Military

Early Cena




Wrestling contains some of the most heavily mythologized personas in the New Era age, as discussed in the previous post on Chris Benoit and Owen Hart.

Rap might benefit from the application of wrestling's model by developing a McMahon-type "heel" and "face" structure. Labels could recruit wack or one-trick rappers to join a sub-stable and then pretend to feud with their face rappers. Some of the greatest moments in rap stem from beef but beef often turns mad-cow and people get shot, so why not just fake the feuds, save some lives, and let everybody listen to some crazy dis tracks.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Two Things (Both Suicide-Related)

1) Of course we all know Chris Benoit died recently. I've been reading a lot about professional wrestling on Wikipedia, and a few link clicks in I was at Owen Hart's page. Hart died in a tragic accident when his harness unbuckled as he was being lowered from the ceiling at a live event. He fell nearly eighty feet and landed chest-first on the ring's turnbuckle.

Benoit's death is tragic and puzzling, but what is striking about Hart's demise is that he died as a heel, or bad-guy/joke wrestler. All wrestlers go through cycles of heel/face to help generate audience interest, but the indignity of being a national joke for a while is compensated by the promise of turning face again, often within several months.

What I didn't know before was that the stunt that killed Hart was designed specifically to amplify his heel status and make him more of a joke. Hart's storyline portrayed him as a weakling with delusions of superhuman power. Ironically, his harness was set up so that he would fall on his face once he was lowered to a safe distance from the mat, so the crowd could jeer him for attempting to fly. Obviously, the entire joke took a horrendous turn.

One of the many downfalls of a career in professional wrestling is that you may die in a moment of extreme public humiliation. Obviously the WWE doesn't put its wrestlers through the same risk that caused Hart's death, but the heel/face convention is a necessary part of wrestling's continually evolving plotline.

It is likely that Benoit died for wrestling just as Hart did, and the symbolism is equally resonant. Benoit likely flew into a steroid rage that led him to murder his wife and son in his home, then take his own life by hanging himself on the cord of a weight machine. Benoit's role in the WWE was that of an athletic talent; obviously almost every pro wrestler uses steroids, but they become especially necessary for those whose athleticism is essential to their character.

The overlap of fantasy and reality that is part of wrestling's huge appeal makes it one of the few forms of entertainment where endangering a character, either physically or psychologically, also endangers his actor alter-ego. There will be more posts on wrestling in the future.

2) I got some Eliott Smith CDs from the library today. I missed out on him when he was still and only really took an interest in him reading the SPIN story of his death. The tunes are good, but no one talks about this guy anymore, like not even a little. That strikes me.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Me, Too

From Jorge Luis Borges, "The Art of Verbal Abuse," Selected Non-Fictions. Ed., trans. Eliot Weinberger. New York: Penguin, 1999.
A conscientious study of other literary genres has led me to believe in the greater value of insult and mockery.

If only Borges could blog.

I say that about once a day.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Heinz-Dog Ketchup Ads Not As Intriguing As First Thought

There is a that helps exphttp://www.blogger.com/img/gl.link.giflain in part the weirdo homemade Heinz ads that are proliferating/procreating all over YouTube.

I encourage you to click the link and watch a disgusting orgy of viscous tomato "stuff" get slopped on to all manner of food. A promised perk of participating in the contest: "Your video will be seen on YouTube." And maybe blogged about on Ideelz! This contest is huger than you think.

Even though, much like the bad guys in a Die Hard movie, the KetchupYouTubers (FrenchFryers) have revealed that their primary motivation is money, the tonal similarity among the three previously posted videos is unnerving, as is the impression that these videos have been stolen from people's homes and uploaded onto the internet for the sake of humiliation.

That said, I'm pretty excited to make my own YouTube ketchup video.

Can You Be Serious Marines


Along with this quote:
LCPL Chad Codwell, from Baltimore, Maryland, with Charlie Company 1st Battalion 5th Marines, carries an experimental urban combat skateboard which is being used for manuevering inside buildings in order to detect tripwires and sniper fire. This mission is in direct support of Urban Warrior '99.


More data here.

Dogs and Ketchup - An Internet Trend?

I was trolling YouTube for some interesting videos of pets and animals for an application to TheDailyTube (using search terms such as "animal funny" and "crocodile funny") when I came across not just one, but several homemade advertisements for Heinz Ketchup.




The last one embedded is "Dan's Heinz Commercial #4," implying three preceding commercials of a similar nature. That makes a total of at least six amateur ads, three of which focus primarily on dogs' relation to the condiment.

Is this just because the "cats" in catsup makes for easy jokes? Or is there a deeper correlation between the personality type that makes amateur ads and an equally distributed affinity for pets and tomato sauce?

Also note: The similar apartments. Very Office Space.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Satan the Academic

From the Edith Grossman translation of Cervantes' Don Quixote:
[The book is] so difficult to read that not even Satan can understand it. (199)

This is a recurring thing in the novel; Satan as the smartest being around, or at least a superlatively smart one. There is little comment in the novel about Satan as a source of evil, making him sort of the figurative equivalent of, say, Einstein or Stephen Hawking. In the middle ages, I guess people gave the devil more cred than he gets nowadays, mutating as he has into a pitchfork-weilding little imp with hooves, which is more cute than anything else.

Really the only recent cultural product that posits Satan as a gifted rhetorician is The Exorcist. Father Merrin explains:
Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with the demon. We may ask what is relevant but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is a liar. The demon is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Damien, and powerful. So don't listen to him. Remember that - do not listen.

In Spawn, the Devil, as far as I can tell, doesn't spend much time reading and is more a warlike despot fighting against the forces of Heaven.

It's hard to come up with a definitive figure of the devil for the aughties - horror movies are more concerned with torture and psychosis lately than the supernatural - but I'm about to poke around and see what's hiding in comics or movies or books. The Devil is everywhere so it shouldn't be too hard to dig something up.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Thing re Double Negs

From Baugh and Cable, A History of the English Language (2nd Ed. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall, 2002):
For a long time English permitted the use of a double negative. We have now discarded it through a false application of mathematical logic to language; but in Elizabethan times it was felt merely as a stronger negative, as indeed it is today in the instinct of the uneducated. (248)


1) Double negs ok?

2) Instincts. Killer instincts.

Saturday, June 30, 2007

Question

For some reason I'm hesitant to drink water I left sitting on my counter in a water bottle for a week. Is this any worse than drinking water that was sitting in my pipes for a week?

Some Notes about San Francisco

1) Many of the famous skate spots, including Embarcadero (EMB) and Pier 13 (I think) now have heinous contraptions screwed into the concrete that prevent anyone from doing grinds. In a bitter stroke of irony, the city has even elected to chip chunks out of the stairs surrounding a statue at Embarco to prevent anyone from skating it. Apparently Frisco's willing to destroy a piece of architecture simply to prevent people from wearing slowly away at it, especially if they wear away at it with aluminum trucks.

2) The most scenic day spent in SF netted zero photos because I'd neglected to bring my camera out to Scott's house in the East Bay for a night of drinking and chatting about InfoSys, India, and journalism (of all things).

This turned particularly problematic when I took the BART commuter rail back into downtown and decided to walk the 10 miles along the bay/coast back to my friend's apartment in Ocean Beach. Sure, I saw everything, but no one on Facebook is going to know.

3) There was much talk of the distinction between Pwnage and "getting served." Theories included that Pwnage has to involve the Internet, and "getting served" has to involve breakdancing. We did more than watch that video of the four-year-old getting served/pwned by a Times Square breakdancer though. At one point we walked into a bar that served such drinks as "Tequila Mockingbird." DJ Takes Self Too Seriously (not really his name but nevertheless his name) was spinning and there was a projector showing people breakdancing behind him. The bar included mostly people in tight jeans who probably wouldn't have quit smoking if San Francisco hadn't outlawed it in the bars. My party and I pretty much agreed that we had gotten served, and not just Speakeasy Pale Ales.

4) While in attendance at the Gay Pride Parade on Sunday, we noticed numerous things.

a) A Pride parade does not consist entirely of rollerblading conga lines wearing only tight white rayon pants. Sometimes there are also balloon-clad transsexuals.

b) You will see exposed boobs at a Pride parade, but not really any more than you'd see on any other day when you go to a strip club.

c) House music!

d) If you are me you will get kicked in the butt by a gay man, right in the crack. More than surprising, the act was confounding. Was it a sexual overture? Did he want to start a fight on arguably the most loving of all days? I shot a questioning look back at the perpetrator, and his face seemed to imply that both of my guesses were true. For better or worse, I have since resolved that, gay or no, any man who kicks another man in the butt crack is asking for a fight. Luckily for the gay community, no one else tried it.

e) Yahoo! sponsored the festivities, or at least helped by passing out purple stickers pronouncing the pride of the stickee. I wonder if those guys handing out stickers were interns or what. Whoever got assigned to that, they were probably "Just glad to get out of the office."

5) If you are in a bicycle messenger bar, it is best not to say how lame biking is. According to Alan, it is like "being in the lion's den and hating on gold fur."

6) Barry Bonds can hit a home run most of the time.

7) Knocked Up was okay but not as good as Rotten Tomatoes said. Certainly, though, not as controversial/sexist as some haters have said. It's odd to argue that a movie isn't feminist or whatever based on assumptions about the guys women will/won't fall in love with. Beautiful up and comers sometimes date and love total slobs and douchebags (believe me I know this to be absolutely true) - even guys far worse that Seth Rogen's character, who actually got his shit completely together together (including tearing through three baby books) in like five weeks I think. Sod off, wymyn, sometimes a hot chick likes a guy you don't like, even if you are, unlike her, not pretty enough to play a doctor on Gray's Anatomy.

8) If you have vaguely reddish hair, telling people to order a Red Headed Slut at the bar is almost always an okay idea.

Friday, June 29, 2007

I Am on Vacation but I Couldn't Resist

From a scathing review - if a poorly written and line-edited review can really be scathing - of Knocked Up:
The writing doesn't feel real or natural. It's just a bunch of guys sitting around the table being lewd, vulgar and riffing on each other.

If you could still be serious about using the word "riff" before now you are definitely in troubs when a lady who uses sentences such as
My happy feet really wanted to get the heck out of there

is copping the steez.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Jeezy Responds

To a pretty antagonistic and moral-panicky Q&A in the June 2007 SPIN:
I'm not a plumber, I can't rap about pipes. I'm not a roofer, I can't rap about houses.

I'm not a rapper, I can't rap about raps. :'(

A Few Facts and Opinions About the Tacoma Public Library

1) They have a lot of DVDs that are not Masterpiece Theater or documentaries, including such as The Marine starring John Cena, The Devil's Rejects, and Transformers: The Movie. I wonder if they think public libraries should carry these films for the same reasons that I do.

2) Many of these unconventional DVDs, including Back to the Future, in addition to being uneducational in the traditional sense, are bootlegs! Do Phyllis and Janet (two of the librarians or at least two librarian-sounding names) go to those guys who spread out blankets on the streets to stock the shelves? The intellectual commons meets copyright law at the library in more ways than just letting you at books for free! I kinda imagine DVD bootleggers have a deal worked out where they can slang product as long as they donate some merch to the public well-being. We should do the same for drugs and prostitutes maybe.

3) You can't look at pornography using the wireless, unless it's through Bloglines. I don't think that they respect Bloglines users more, they just have outdated software.

4) A child was molested by a man here in October 2006. Security is very tight at the library. They only let one person in the bathroom at a time, and search it after each use (I'm thinking drug deals). Four security guards prowl around, making patrons feel even more uncomfortable than they already are just being in a public library. The guards are not afraid to tell you not to tip back in your chair.

5) Just down Tacoma Ave sits the Pierce County Courthouse. Right next to it, the jail, which houses an above-average percentage of the population, if you catch my drift. It might say something about a town that the nearest building to its library is its jail. Are they hoping spillover from one to the other? Or maybe fearfully anticipating the opposite.
That man [in the jail] and the man in the [library] / Don't realize how close they really are
--Nobodys


6) Every once in a while, someone will enter the library talking at a very high volume. Maybe the frequency of this occurrence is accentuated by the fact that I'm spending a lot more time in the library than ever before, but I seem to remember places like Milwaukee Public and Georgetown University enjoying a greater degree of quiet.

6) [Opinion only] Good library.

Bagenius ("Je me souviens du confondement entre le B et le V en espagnol, [putain]")



The Filename of This Photo Is "headshotr.jpeg," Which Gives You a Good Idea Just What Kind of L.A. Band We're Dealing With Here

It was senior year of college, graduation rapidly approaching. It was maybe February, and I'd started hanging with a couple girls who came by Tuesday nights to take stale bagels from me as my shift at the coffee shop ended.

When I got off we'd hang in the food court at the student union and I'd mostly listen to them talk to one another about their days: papers turned in late, boys affronted, their love-hate relationship with my friend Scott.

After a fashionable time, one of the girls, named Pheebs, called me up.

"Hey Mike my friend's band is playing at the 9:30 Club. I have tickets. Want to go?"

"Sure."

"I don't want you to think this is a date or anything."

"Of course not."

The show was Kings of Leon (yo Leon! These guys are the Kings of you!), and the Kings of Leon are alright I guess but Pheebs knew the openers, a little supercool L.A. band called Vagenius. They reminded me of a band that played at my high school called Loserface, who called me and another geeky white dude onstage to freestyle rap (I can hardly believe it either, but rapping was once part of my life).

Vagenius reminded me of Loserface because the lead singer of Vagenius had dyed-black hair, was a girl, and played the keytar, kind of like the lead singer of Loserface had real-black hair, was a girl, and played the keyboards. Both girls were hot in a Joan Jett kinda way, but the comparison isn't as obvi as you might think by the photo. They had moves and could belt it out pretty, not like Joan who bless her heart is a yeller (and a good one). They guys who backed them up just looked like guys I went to high school with.

So Vagenius played some gay-wave (you knew that, though, keytars and all), but good gay-wave, better even than The Killers or Interpol, because it wasn't synth-y and they played the keyboard like a keyboard and guitar like guitar and didn't play either like the other one (maybe my main objection to the Aughties-Eighties vein of music).

The tunes were crisp by definition and the singer had a whispy voice.

When the Kings came on we got to go upstairs to the VIP section and meet Vagenius. I didn't say a lot but I remember the singer telling a story about how Kings of Leon heard their tape and asked them to tour with them, and Vagenius'd never heard of Kings of Leon so they had to listen to "Trani" pretty avidly so they could pretend they really loved the Kings. (Why not have a band just called The Kings? That's a great name, right? Also why not have a band called the Beetles? I've wondered about that a lot.)

This was pre-Youtube post-Napster so it was probably pretty hard for this woman to make time to like the Kings of Leon, but Pitchfork was doing the damn thing so it couldn't have been that bad.

I guess it worked out okay because about two months after the show when I got over myself and the "What am I doing with myself now that college is over," I came back to their Web site and started banging Vagenius tunes on the regular, actually more like on the constant. The delivery is nostalgic, and whereas the timbre is different, they kinda remind me of Jane's Addiction (see post below).

Well as songs are wont to do after 10,000 plays, the early Vagenius wore out, and I ditched it for some "Don't Like the Way" and some joints by this group Guided by Voices.

The reason I'm remembering all this is because I'm going to San Francisco to visit Scott tonight and he mentioned via Gchat that Pheebs might be around. Some memory triggers got pulled and before I knew it I was back at Totallyvagenius.com and they have this new album called "Hello Stranger," the lady singer is still there, she speaks Spanish, and not much has changed in the way of this music still being moving.

So check out some Vagenius. The embed is a little short and weird but that's okay.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Today Is National Go Skateboarding Day

Tomorrow Is the Friendlier National Come Skateboarding Day

And people are losing their conceptions of the borders of possibility in the process! And not just regarding whether you can backflip to manual. From the Skateboarding Day .org:
On June 21 skateboarders around the globe will celebrate the pure exhilaration, creativity, and spirit of one of the most influential activities in the world by blowing off all other obligations to go skateboarding! (emph added)

Never mind whether skateboarding, relative to other activities, is "influential" (it is near-superlative in all respects). The real question is whether a habitual activity can be influential. Like you can build a fire and it won't be influential. You can play guitar and it won't be influential.

Maybe if everyone went out and did a 1080 that would be influential. Or started doing cannonballs out of pole jams.

So, in honor of National Come Skateboarding day, a vid of the Ghost of Skateboard Future doing a pole jam to cannonball. You can only do this trick on Tony Hawk Pro Skater or if your name is Chris Haslam (the comments say it isn't but screw that Haslam can do this trick so it is him):

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

You Can Stand Under My Umbéla!!!

In a post from April about Bacon Skateboards, a Pac-NW company I'd never heard of, I remarked briefly on their selection of a Modest Mouse song called "Polar Opposites" for their Cuntry as Fuck video.

The Cuntry as Fuck version contains a banjo and a quicker tempo, and generally I like it better, except that I have to listen to that weird vomiting noise at the beginning of the Bacon video to get to the actual song.

As a sort of compromise, I've been going to Youtube to watch matthiasheuermann's remix of "Polar Opposites" with footage from Béla Tarr movies:



Two things:

1) The use of Modest Mouse's music over Béla Tarr's work is controversial for several YouTube commenters, but not controversial enough to engender "flaming":

Muzakconcrete: Man. I just can't believe you're doing this to parts of bela's movies. Conside the lack of music in his films. What does that tell you?

matthiasheuermann: funny you should mention this, as the other day we watched Werkmeisters Harmonies and someone pointed out that the use of music (especially in the scene where the ransack the hospital) is the weakness of this film, as it is not very subtle.

Muzakconcrete: It's not the use of the music which is weak. It's the music itself, it's not great in Werckmeister. But anyway, I was referring to the use of ambience as a device, the very absence of music in most scenes. It just seems a bit reckless to throw modest mouse songs over his film. Surely part of his genius is that he uses sound in the way he does?

[By the way, does it ever bother anyone else when someone who comments online or blogs relentlessly follows rules of punctuation and caps but then falls off on the "that/which" rules? No half steppin', doggies. Grab an MLA and get in the game.]

matthiasheuermann: You're absolutely right. It's a bit reckless, but hey, that's the kind of chap that I am. And frankly, I hardly do Tarr's genius justice by exploiting his visual imagery for todays pop music, but if I get merely one viewer interested in watching the films of Tarr, I consider myself redeemed.

Muzakconcrete: What can I say? It's cool.

Arguments on both sides are oddly formulated, but rather than get into that, I'll leave you with this prelude to the above dialog:
karelsidorjak: You had no idea what you are watching,sorry!!!!

According to my prejudices and lack of knowledge about Hungarians, I'm assuming that Karel Sidorjak is a Hungarian friend of Béla Tarr (whom many commenters on this video know on a first-name basis, apparently).

Zooming out a bit, karelsidorjak's admonishment is, almost quaintly in its Hungarian way, true in any situation and also tempered with a condescending false intimacy contained in the ",sorry!!!!."

Maybe I will learn more about "Béla Béla eh eh" at a different time, and at that point we can discuss Hungarian film. But unless he did skate vids, we're probably going to leave him where he is: on wikipedia.

2) As I said, I've been listening to this song upwards of twenty times daily for several weeks. Starting Wednesday of last week, I began internalizing the message, thinking "Drinking away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away" would be an interesting approach to life.

I started to drink at work, about five beers early on in the shift, and ramped up my PBR consumption back home. At work, I gave slow service. At home, I was simply drunk. By Sunday, I'd reached a level of toxicity that made hiking up Tiger Mountain less than an entirely pleasant experience. I've since decided to take a break from the Isaac Brock approach, and have even quit smoking (kind of).

It's a bit crazy to me that I am outwardly so critical of the "debauche" approach to literature and art. I claim to myself at least that I find drugs and sex uninteresting at their fundamental levels. Yet, I still internalize the message that drinking and drugs are awesome and there is some kind of authenticity achieved by means of their consumption.

Or maybe I just like to drink and need to stop making a thing of it (with myself).

Monday, June 18, 2007

I Ain't Never Been No Place

Sorry about the delay I was over here climbing Tiger Mountain for a sec. That coupled with a bangover leaves me incapacitated, blog-wise.

Not to mention Rihanna is still number one with "Umbrella."

Here's what I got in meantimes:

I love Ani Difranco as much as the next guy (okay probably a lot more), but her music videos are crazy boring. "Pick Yer Nose," ordinarily one of my favorites, blasted apart by assuming people will simply be riveted by watching Ani walk around trying (not trying?) to talk to people.

Also, live versions uniformly beat out studio tracks when it comes to this woman.

Still oddly attracted to her.

:P

Friday, June 15, 2007

Justification of Ignoble Profession i.e. Writing

Chuck Palahniuk, in an A.V. Club Q and A:

If I can imagine it, that's already happening.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

An Archeological Adventure

A friend and sometimes reader of Ideelz (unless a rando from Toronto somehow found me) is on aforementioned adventure in Amman, Jordan. In support of the proliferation of blogumentarianism (of which I have no part of which to speak [!!! -- Chik chick chik]), I'm a-linking to her.

I'm hoping for photos but I'd even settle for reading the first post. She sounds a little tired.

Archeological Adventure

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Go West, Young Man


From Richard Rorty, "Trotsky and the Wild Orchids," Athenaeum Library of Philosophy, 1992.
There is, in short, not much reason to hope for the sort of single vision that I went to college hoping to get.

Rorty's talking about the impossibility of all-encompassing philosophy that transcends postulates (he calls them "hypotheses" but I'm feeling saucy), but that sentence capturesss a larger disillusionment I felt when I left school.

College consists mainly in being buffeted (and sometimes, scarily, buffet-ed) by a bunch of older people who certainly are smart but whose main interest at best is to impress upon young minds a specific world view, one at which they've arrived through a series of missteps and scholarly omissions, be they glaring or obscured by the the prejudices of the era. Helpful as they might intend to be, their main purpose is to shut down intellectual avenues in hopes of producing more people who think like them, or at least more people who approach thought in a similar way.

For some people who aim to inhabit an extant intellectual structure (aspiring doctors, lawyers, (ghasp) journalists) this is fine. But for those who thought they would be attacking thought from new and exciting angles, college disappoints. Grad school, I imagine, only makes things worse.

Maybe this is just a resurgent "Fuck You Heroes" now that I'm largely outside the tower, but darned if I don't wonder that worse than Good Will Hunting-style "We don't love them schools," I'm reaching a point of "I hate them schools. They are a racket."

Just my thoughts.

Just what I'm feelin at the time.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

My Lip Gloss Is Poppin'


We Have To Do This

As promised everyone, here we go on another fanchapstic voyage through the nether regions -- the bowels -- of traitorous radio to give you a lil' insight into lil' mamas and lil' papas everywhere who just can't get enough petroleum gel on their oral orifice.

Lil' Mama, an apparent cross between a thirteen-year-old girl and a forty-year-old woman, is lately jammin everyone's radio frequencies with a lil' raspberry called "Lip Gloss":



You are hearing correctly:
Lil' Mama's Mama: Mama, what's wrong?
Lil' Mama: I just want to be part of the cool crowd. I just feel like I don't have what it takes.

Lil' Mama's mama calls Lil' Mama "Mama."

Moving on.

. . .

The radio version of "Lip Gloss" is a ballad of love dedicated to that shit ladies smear on their lips. Direct and straightforward, the song articulates a clear thesis ("My lip gloss is poppin'") then illustrates this idea with numerous specific examples (the principal verse).

Things get a bit crazy when Mama ties her lip gloss to her identity: "What you know bout me?" All you need to know is that Mama's lip gloss is poppin'.

This reminds me of the early high-school days when girls were 14, not a girl, not yet a woman, starting to wear short shorts to school and meaning it, some even had A- or B-cups, they started heaving on the makeup in the morning, getting ready sexually for whatever was coming -- they didn't really know, but they knew that they'd better get at it. At the same time, though, these chickadees are still going home and cutting out photos of Cam'ron or Justin Timberlake and taping them to their walls. They're still hiding their Lisa Frank stuff in the closet when their friends come over to hang out. They still talk to their teddy bears.

They wear lip gloss by the gallon.

Their parents can't carry enough crates to their room. They practically bathe in the shit. They smell like cherries and cough syrup wherever they go.

People start to take notice.

Only one consumer product known to man is so comfortably nestled between the excitement of emergent sexuality and pre-pubescent "Pretty Pretty Princess": Lip gloss.

It goes on your mouth, that part of your body that's gonna be getting a lot of attention soon. It serves a medical purpose. Mama can't deny daughter a lil' lip gloss, you need protection from the sun and chapped lips. It's like fifteen cents for one lil' tube.

What Lil' Mama has hit on more effectively and subtly than any teeny-bop sensation of the New Era age (ballcaps) is just how fine a line girls tread now that hetero dudes don't have to pass around Playboys.

Think Spice Girls, shouting "Girl Power" but wearing bondage gear. Then think Britney, wearing schoolgirl outfits and yelling "Hit Me Baby One More Time," making a thing of her virginity.

Then look at Lil' Mama. Whereas the former ladies practiced a kind of doublespeak to help girls negotiate the parameters of womanhood, Lil' Mama simply occupies the space. This is evinced even in her contradictory name, her video-mother's hermeneutic confusion, and the ultimate message conveyed in the video.

Mama's mama says basically "It was inside you the whole time." Lip gloss is just a magic feather. In one sense, this is an unconvincing case of the video "going Dumbo." Who really believes the magical lip gloss that made the lockers autonomously pound to the beat of Mama's music had nothing to do with her popularity? In another sense, though, the message is more nuanced: This lip gloss that you wear is a signifier for the thing inside you that's about to blossom into some serious sexual power. In a couple weeks, you aren't going to need that stuff, because you will have a butt.

A bigger butt.

A poppin' butt.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Onesies

One-off objections to the Rihanna Billboard situation have included:
She looks like a premature baby;
There is no melody;
Jay's verse is awful.

Amazingly, even though I'm the only one in my circle of friends willing to defend this song, it is still #1. Yeah Rihanna looks like a baby, but a sexy one. She's lost weight. Yeah the verses aren't great but it's the chorus, people! Jay's verse is awful but it's growing pains for a new life off the streets. Stay tuned there may be more coming. Meantime peep this.

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Shaun White Now On TV During Summer, Daggers Fly

According to ESPN, the International Olympic Committee is trying its hardest to get skateboarding on the docket for 2012 London.

Now we can watch NBC Olympic montages about Corey Duffel's Olympic dream:

Not cutting the corners of his mouth while he skates.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Vegas Baloney etc.

As usual, I'm in the cafe, but not as usual, I've left my headphones back at the apartment, so the jig is up, Lil' Mama-wise, so we're going to have to take a bit of a detour into some other parts of the internet, not involving audio.

In the spirit of crippled media, here's a sneaky peek at the Vegas chronicles, rapidly spiraling out of control, word count-wise. I'm feeling like Grady Tripp over here.
Somehow it came out that I speak French, so Qi asked me how to say "I want to eat you up," and I told her. I found out their ages (thirty-six), and there were some jokes about the mile high club, but joining that club is harder than you might think. That particular conversation went like this:

Qi asked, "Have you ever joined the mile-high club?"
I answered, "No."

Apparently this is not the way to join. Looking back, it seems obvious that the proper answer is, "Yes. As a matter of fact our organization has an opening. Meet me in the bathroom for an application." In my defense, I'm a little shy, and I kind of have a deadpan humor thing going, so I'll console myself that my response just flew over the ladies' heads.

The blogpost I'd written jokingly about Airport to Bedroom had included the tip "Share a cab to your house. This always works." Just then Danielle asks:

"Do you want to maybe split a cab or something?"
"Sure."

So we de-planed and I awkwardly tailed two Portland strippers/real-estate agents past the slot machines and through the security checkpoint-of-no-return. While we waited for their luggage I watched some Japanese tourists photograph the airport and saw limo drivers hold signs with people's names on them. I had arrived in Vegas, with a small amount of style and a limited number of strippers. Things were going alright, but just alright.

Just a draft but whatever, mostly to prove I wasn't lying.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Songs about Lip Gloss Have Been Brought to My Attention

For people who listen to the radio it is not surprising that there is a Lil' Mama named Lil' Mama who raps about lip gloss and makes aforementioned adored #1 Rihanna hit into a remix that is better than the original song (a feat that is no longer a feat, given early-stages "What Means the World to You," more-recent albeit maligned "Back Then," and practically contemporary "Rehab," but perhaps noteworthy only in that it's becoming a thing, rather than an aberration). At any rate, there is much exegesis to be parlayed about over the "My Lip Gloss is Poppin'" phenom. Not to mention ideas about whether this Lil' Mama is Lil' in the sense of being short or being young (I think it's the former because she looks 40-ish), and whether or not she's an actual Mama who begs her daughter to make her into Lil' Grandma.

But I've been writing cover letters all day so that whole shimmy and a shake will have to wait till tomorrow after I send some more cover letters and my brain is actually working (see above sentences).

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Why Is This Insulting?



Maybe it's just the same racism that had people hating on my friend Leon for posting to Gawker about this guy who blogs in the voice of Chauncey Billups and also does blogs in the form of fake emails to Jay-Z.

Is it always misguided to dislike a cover of an awesome R&B (I think I'm gonna spell R&B "R$B" from now on) by a sub-awesome not-punk band or any other group of twentysomething white boys? I remember there was a folky acoustic cover of Boyz N Tha Hood a while ago and I felt the same nauseation going, you know, just thinking something like "What gives them the right to do this."

It's very hard in these sarcasm-soaked times to draw a line between doing a cover of an R$B or rap song just to be cute and doing one because you love the music and want to participate. Sometimes the gig rings true and it's just happy times, but mostly when something like this shits itself out I just cringe.

I'd like to attribute my distaste for these covers to the fact that they rob songs of their original vibrancy and attitude, that they take a passionate and legitimately felt sentiment and turn it into crass pomo cuteness. But again the problem is one of intent, and who can really properly attribute that from the outside? I guess the most logical critical perspective is that these covers just don't add anything to the existing song, don't appear to have a reason to exist, the original song is infinitely superior, bladie bladie bla.

Whatever it is, I will continue to disfavor this effort, as much as it might align me with socially conscious rappers and others with whom I generally disagree aesthetically. Sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet.

New P-Land Band Sounds Pretty Good

When I was in high school, I lived in the attic. The attic had the dual advantage of sound-dampening insulation and a bathroom. Every day I would wake up before school and put No Code or In Utero or Siamese Dream on full blast so I could hear the rock over the percussive dripping of the showerhead.

Today, when I wake up on the futon, I reach over to my laptop and throw on some PIL or maybe "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop if I'm feeling kinda Detroit. Then it's off to the douche but those thin little speakers aren't projecting the same way my AIWA boombox did it.

But I am now listening to some tunes that might make me reverse my whole laptop-only listening experience. That is, I'm listening to music that is growing on me very quickly, reminds me of a nice-guy Gray Matter or Fugazi or other undergrad type music. I'll try to remember the name of this band by the end of this post and if I do I will link it (form matches content yeah yeah yeah).

The album starts with an organ blast which is subsequently completely abandoned. Picture "Like a Rolling Stone" only once-again listenable because instead of that pseudo-trademark organ-eighth-note-off bullshit there are just speedy distorted guitars and the tagline is "So here's your future."

The band in question (literally in question, still can't remember the name) has a Pavement-style nasal but well-enunciated vocal delivery, poetical in a way, post-Pitchfork rock for people who don't like quiet shit and think The Hold Steady sounds too contrived.

Here we go:

The Thermals.

It's not like Lifter Puller where I'm instantly playing Tracks Two and Nine over and over again, usually putting on Track Two as I'm getting ready to shower, hearing Nine as I'm drying myself off. The Thermals are not a shower-type band, not yet. But it probably took me four or five years to do the AIWA dance with Nirvana, so they shouldn't feel bad. I've always been a bit behind the times. And at least they have the potential. Right now the Thermals are a forties-and-tallboys band, good for the afternoon on a day off, hanging with the guys. I would probably not listen to them much if I were back East, but if life in Tacoma has had any effect, it is that I will give the Therms another shot. Tomorrow. Before the shower.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Rihanna Saves Us All, Saves Herself for All Of Us (I HOPE)

This better get embedded it's too huge to go other ways:



Well even though Ted Nugent is only killing chickens on cable TV and not cutting records that rock as hard as State of Shock, it is nevertheless a tumultuous Monday for the 'biz; Maroon 5 once again blasted off the Number One spot, this time jammed down by two new tunes: one by Rihanna ft. Jay-Z (this is the real comeback forget Kingdom Come-backs), the other by WHO CARES IT BUMPED MAROON 5 DOWN ANOTHER NOTCH.

So with all this nonsense tossing up the received order of divine rule by the likes of such monarchal bastards as Maroon 5, we've got a regular reformation going on. If my stolen internet doesn't step up its game in short order, I'm gonna have to roll to the coffee shop around the corner to properly blogument this sonic shift, nail some theses to the door, do what I have to do, because this shit is exciting.

Rihanna is back! Last year I went to New York City for my birthday and we stumbled through a hangover and some story pitches while listening to "S.O.S.," Soft-Cell "Tainted Love," and Gloria Jones "Tainted Love," and the sun shone and it was hot. We made the whole situation start to matter in that Park Slope swelter.

Is it a fact that summer is here?

Looks like it. This "Umbrella" Number One jam does what "Crazy in Love" did several years ago; place Jay-Z as a flowing counterpoint to a crazy-sexy R&B sensation making convincingly genuine, cohesive sensual paeans to fidelity, old-school romanticism, and more.

I'm liking Jay-Z flowing at the beginning. Although "Crazy"'s loco flows were way hotter and worked better as a climax that gave emphasis to the blasting horns that really made the song, I like the Jay-as-chorus-line/ringmaster idea, where he spits a couple lines introducing a song's overarching themes (rain, Rihanna), then lets the lady elaborate. From this standpoint, Hov can't lose; he still has a controlling position; structural primacy and the cred to let you know what's new with Rihanna or whoever and why this song is hot. He keeps it brief, we keep listening, and in the back of our minds we might even thank Jay for bringing this little number to our attention.

The controlling metaphor/image - "You can stand under my Umbrella" resembles the fidelity stylized in country songs - I'm thinking "I Will Always Love You," and if you need water metaphors to make a full connection, "Islands in the Stream."

Listen to these lines from the chorus:

When the sun shines
We’ll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
That I'll always be your friend
Took an oath Imma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Know that we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh eh)

The rhythm is perfect poetry-wise (maybe singing-wise for you Jack Spicer fans out there, but I think even you can fuck with this shit), and note the sound-poem punctuation at the end, reminiscent only lyrically of Eminem's "Square Dance" (eeeh eeh ahh eeeh ah) among other songs. A singer/rapper can only do this when they've mastered the sounds in question to such a great degree that they'll give listeners a peek behind the curtain and say "Listen to these syllables. These are the syllables I used to make this thing that you enjoy."

Let's not forget the degree of fidelity expressed in this song. It's the degree of fidelity that only occurs when you're first falling in love with someone, when you really think there is no one else, when that spell falls over you the first time you wake up and her arm's around you and the sun shines outside and makes that white rectangle on your bed. Rihanna feels that way, too, sometimes, judging by the way she delivers this song; it's about sex but it's about sex the way sex is a gateway to a truly great friendship.

May through July have typically been good months in the romance department, starting when I was twelve and kissed a girl at French camp, came home semi-cured from depression, and carrying through the college years when the sun would bring the tank tops out and sexual discoveries just started to make more sense for the ladies. As such, any tune that comes around at this crucial moment, showing a woman devoted sincerely and totally to some idea of heterosex life (although there's not explicit mention of dude parts in "Umbrella," I don't know I just will keep considering Rihanna as straight just so my hopes remain alive - I don't think I mentioned she caresses herself naked AND dodges CGI water in this video) totally rules my summer, provided the beat is somewhat sweltering and somelady gives me her phone number within a couple weeks of the song's debut on the charts.

Step one is complete. Now we'll have to see about step two. This is the first number one song I've blogged that I've liked just as much as I've thought about. Fucking two Ideelz way way up. RIHANNA THX SO MUCH I <3 U.

Sunday, June 03, 2007

Lebron James Raps?! I Hope So!!

Last night, LeBron James helped the Cleveland Cavaliers destroy the Pistons to win the Eastern Conference Finals and earn a chance at the 2007 title ring. That is not news.

[. . .]

What is news is that the night before last night LeBron James released a theme song called "Main Attraction," which appears for the moment on allhiphop.com. According to an Asian Fanatics (not what it sounds like) forum post, LeBron, in addition to ballin', "also raps," and teamed up with Sprite to sponsor a theme-song competition. The result was Paul Wall not really rapping about Sprite and this guy Al Fatz (predictably, given the sugar content), really singing about Sprite.

So for now LeBron James hasn't rapped, but is oddly still listed as "ft." on the Allhiphop mp3. Are people "featured" in songs as long as they are somehow involved in the project? Probably LeBron and Paul Wall hang out; Paul Wall can't be a Spurs fan, he's froum Houston.

Paul Wall had something to say about this cross-promotional adventure; awesomely, he manages to make his comments about his song on LeBron pretty much focus on himself. From the presumably Asian journalism major's forum post:
"Lebron is truth on the basketball court [true], and we had a lot of fun making the song for him [maybe true]," Paul Wall told AllHipHop.com. "He's handling up right now in the playoffs [true], kinda like how I'm handling up on the mic and demolishing the tracks [true]."

I am willing to draw two conclusions from this: 1) that a vandalized Wikipedia entry (since edited) that claimed Chauncey Billups was "bisexual, having admitted to romantic relations with men," was probably posted by LeBron, and 2) that LeBron knew he was going to dust the 'Stons in Game Six. I imagine the meeting with his agent went something like this.
Agent: So, LeBron, we have this song by Paul Wall and Al Fatz that is about you and how great you are.

LeBron: Yes I know.

Agent: We're in a tight spot. A lot of haters think you can't bring it to the finals and you are not Jordan.

LeBron: How did you just say a hyperlink? Should I click on it or what?

Agent: That's not important now. What's important is you have a decision to make. Are you going to win game six or cry like a little bitch? Because if you are going to cry like a little bitch it probably isn't wise to release a song about how much Sprite you drink. It won't be good for Sprite, and it won't be good for you.

LeBron: Don't sweat it, Doc. I just read on Wikipedia that Chauncey Billups is bisexual [snickers].

Agent: Alright that's good enough for me. I'll have Illseed start some rumors that you "also rap."

LeBron: Okay cool, later dude. I gotta go film a commercial where my head turns into a lemon, then a lime! I'm still young enough to think that kind of thing is cool.


As silly as it sounds, it worked. The only remaining steps for LeBron are: 1) win the NBA finals; and 2) release a rap album that tops Shaq's in sales and flow. Both are possible, maybe even probable.

Ideelz out.

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Never Thought I'd Rememory in a Headline But It's Saturday



It's an old idea that there are many songs we love merely because they are glommed on to some seriously pleasurable nice nice very nice moments from smaller times. They're like the soundtracks in romantic-comedy montages, both the ones where the dude and the chick are improbably finding ways to love each other and the ones where the dude is remembering the improbable things he loves about her in the post-jilt moments. The songs are often 80s classics, partially because romantic comedies started in the 80s and partly because that kind of cheese is exactly what gets 30-something infantile single women all jazzed up and ready to cruise in their Saturns to the nearest singles bar or slot casino.

At risk of seeming like a mid-30s woman, I've been having maddening bouts of romantic nostalgia lately, wanting to just get all Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan on some chick who doesn't exist except as an abstract conception. But trust me she is hot and funny and far from possessed of wack music taste. She even likes to drive me to the skate park in her Passat and watch me, secretly having a crush on a couple other skaters but never going to do anything about it.

Unforgivable, right? But we've all been there.

Aaaand I'm jamming a song on repeat the way I used to do with Blind Melon in college (even though I didn't really ever share Blind Melon with anyone because no one else really seems to care about them any more).

I'm not really critically engaging the thing. It's a sunny Saturday morning and I'm not smoking cigarettes - I'm drinking coffee. I realized the other day that sometimes you just need to have some olfactory memories, be they activated by putting on some suntan lotion, sitting next to your cafe au lait, or walking till you find some fresh-cut grass (or even dog shit). I am infrequently overly sentimental, but when we fall, we fall hard - I'll go on facebook and check out the profiles and photo albums of previous ladies of my life just to see if I can bring back the smell of their hair or whatever (pervy right?).

During the teen years, I used to get back from a 7-9 a.m. swim practice on Saturday mornings and turn on the radio to some Everclear or Refreshments, sometimes Smash Mouth or that band Mark McGrath was in would even be on. But I wouldn't hate, I'd just enjoy these boneheads' company as I paged through the comics or thought about some high-school sweethearts and heard my mom vacuuming in the T.V. room. The sun would shine especially bright through the windows, painting these whitish squares on the breakfast table. Remembered moments like holding hands and secretly liking it or even the first time you see the bra come off have got those same rectangles all over them. In the spirit of that, here's some New Order.

Friday, June 01, 2007

Nineties Rock Lost Its Cock (In a Good Way)

I'd been meaning to do a post about early-nineties scratchy voices with catchy, gay (awesome Foucault gay - not mere Will and Grace gay) hippie-ish instrumentation, but I'd forgotten about it until I saw the A.V. Club do an interview with Perry Farrell. Excerpt:
The A.V. Club: How would you describe Ultra Payloaded?

Perry Farrell: The term I use is "sedimentary rock," because it was built in layers.

Let's bracket for a moment comments on Farrell's well-documented pretension and focus on the fact that this is a hilarious, even self-deprecating joke. Then let's move on to the part where we watch some Youtube together.



Typically what we remember about the early nineties (if we're 23 like I am) is Nirvana and Pearl Jam, maybe Soundgarden occasionally. These bands were great, but Jane's Addiction and Blind Melon (dummy anagram for Blind Lemon) were spearheading a revolution mainly focused on barretted hair and scratched voices. Look at Shannon Hoon in this clip from Woodstock '94:



Sad that this music didn't really engender a lasting following. Picture this perfect picture: The 80s look like they're actually dying away, sort of. People are playing guitars again. People are looking back at that time and kind of saying "Hey we looked ridic back then, but maybe there is something to looking ridic, if it isn't all self-serious and we actually put a little actual humor on top of the whole thing (and I'm not talking about hipster irony or sarcasm)." Is it just me or did Perry Farrell actually look cool with a bird's nest of scrunchies in his hair? I went to private school during this era, so maybe I missed out on the legions of teenies who copped his steez, but the bigger hunch I have is that it never even really happened, and that's why when we dig into collective memories of the 80s-90s transition we only remember that everyone parted their hair down the middle Kobain-style. Which brings me to another point about our current state of affairs.

I was at the bar last night sipping on some Manny's Pale ale and having a few smokes (I know I know I'll kick soon but it's hard when you work in the resto biz. . .) and actually got hated on because I do drugs relatively infrequently and recently have not been an uncommon drunkard. There lies in the Pacific NW and maybe in all aspiring-hip parts of the country a druggy variation on the frat-boy "drunk as hell is cool and masculine" head-trip. That is, if you aren't doing heroin or basing on the baselines, or at least trying to score some serious shit, you just aren't cool. The same applies to tattoos and body mods. Which has me going all, "Wait a minute guys these things are cool but are they fun?!" And of course the answer is difficult to tease out but from an authenticity perspective it seems like the superficial trappings of being a rad kid often overtake the beneath-the-surface coolness of people actually just having a barrell of laughs over something lame. Self-destruction is often a part of cool people's lives, but we ought to be careful to think whether it is the coolness or just sort of a correlated phenomenon. I.E: Druggies use slang and slang is cool so you gotta use drugs to say cool slang. I.E: People saying things like "I'm a writer" to you while you're at work and then you look over their shoulder when they're on break and their notepad says something like:
I get so angry sometimes.
I just want to punch something.
I am so mad at you it burns like a fire.

But they're sipping a whiskey and seven while they write this so there must be a Buke type thing going on. At least that's what I picture them thinking. There are more examples but I think you're getting the picture.

All of this inauthentic derisive awktown garbage is cased to some degree in the weird Male-Female dialectic we've had since Baudelaire. Writing is totally gay and for sissies, so you have compensation for this with drugs or sex or whatever, people trying to look mysterious and down for the cause at the same time. "I miss the comfort in being sad." We all know where the whole thing ends, too, junked-out in the corner with sore nipples that you've shown everyone because you got the cute bars through them this past weekend and maybe next time when you get your clit done something will really happen and you will be legit but in the meantime you've got some percocet so you're making it, baby, it's just around the corner and you can see it wagging its tail and when you catch it you will be a lion and no one will fuck around with you anymore.

On the other hand, the above videos are the opposite. Perry looks lame, but he's confident enough that one is even glad he looks lame and it gives one hope that maybe some utopian day we too can look totally lame but it'll be cool because we're doing it to have a good time and not to impress other people with our dark side and the steep slope of degeneracy.

It looks to the trained eye like this, Blind Mellon and Jane's Addiction, as opposed to The Killers or Interpol is the kind of 80s gay-wave we really need nowadays. Farrell and Hoon both did the dirty dance with the China but if you look at them in those videos they were rapturously in love with the music that they made. Tonally and melodically, they both sang in major keys more often than minor and they had the damned courage to actually get gay (poverty-of-relations gay not Queer Eye gay) onstage, wear some serious female hair products and put in parentheses the extent of their degeneracy so it wouldn't get in the way of the one thing that mattered: the joyous (gay) message of their sad sad songs.

Gluing fur to your neck doesn't make you a lion. In a different world Shannon Hoon would've kicked and would be alive today. There would be more scratchy voices on the radio singing longing songs of joy. But they didn't quite make it, and we've unfortunately forgotten some of the near-hippie wavecrest that came around when we were really quite young.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Maroon 5 Take Back the Map; Only God Knows Why


And I feel like number one
Yet I'm last in line
[. . .]
You get what you put in
And people get what they deserve
But [Adam Levine] ain't seen [his]
[. . .]
Take me to the river eh
Wont you Take me to the river, hey hey heyeah

We thought we had victory, but it was mostly pyrrhic. Let's try this again next week. :'(

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Sacramento Airport

I type this missive from the Sacramento airport on a four-hour layover between Las Vegas, NV and Portland, OR. From Portland I will take a three-hour train (or, if necessary, bus) back to Tacoma in time to begin a shift behind the bar that will end at 1:00 a.m. (twenty-two hours from now). All sleep will be interrupted by the touchdown of landing gear and the grinding of wheels on rails.

This, of course, is how I designed this trip. Extended travel times, far from bothering me (as they do for many Americans and others), provide necessary downtime. One must account for changing scenery; traveling hundreds of miles takes time, and one ought to feel as such when embarking on a massive voyage.

Beyond that basic principle lies a yet-more-basic observation. What human, given wireless internet access and several interesting books, would truly regret having booked several hours completely alone (barring occasional vacuuming janitors) in an airline terminal? Sole possession of such a large piece of real estate, normally so possessed by other people, cannot help but soothe.

Perhaps the choice is personal. After all, the main pleasure in my day derives from spending hours in pensive solitude with little more to occupy me than a stolen internet connection. The free wireless available at most of America's airports is both more consistent and faster. Those who do not share my passion for hypertext will be excused for thinking my day-swallowing itinerary to be both insane and stupid. And they will excuse me for grimacing in annoyance when I hear gripes about being "stuck at the airport for hours." Do we really do anything so important or riveting with our time that some time spent in an airport terminal is automatically to be counted as a loss? At the very least, such periods should be regarded as the acceptable consequence of a transportation infrastructure that is the envy of much of the rest of the world.

Vegas M.I.A. Apologia

As perhaps can be expected, what was anticipated as an invigorating weekend pro-blog retreat in Sin City, rife with stimulation and sensory experience has, much like a certain much more infamous trip made by then-successful butthead HST, unraveled into a desultory fury of substance abuse and missed deadlines. I am merely an aspiring butthead; the substance abuse of my own Vegas excursion was insufficient by comparison (see post below). However, the deadline-flouting made famous by Thompson's Gonzo steez has endured; self-imposed quotidian ideelz quota was abandoned as soon as I set foot in the jumble of Vegas's desert air.

Avid readers need not fear or loathe, however. In a more striking parallel to the 1970s travelogue on which this retreat aspired to model itself, the simple task of banging out several words per minute on the well-documented vagaries and hazards of America's most illicit city has spiraled into a project of far greater scale to be coauthored by Socialist (read: true ideelist) cohort and anonymous fabulist Xerxes Balderdash.

Between the animal ravings of yours truly and the principled party line of Xerxes - a man with honest principles - will hopefully lie a testament to the irrevocable scars incurred by a cast of wild-eyed youngsters who were too kind of heart to be anything but run into the ground by Las Vegas's too-much-too-fast sensibility.

In short, the dead air you've inexcusably been forced to bear with over the past several days will in the upcoming weeks yield a much denser and more intricate work than anything I could've tacked up in a typical matter of minutes. Should the complete Xerxes-Ideelz collaboration fail to entirely materialize in sufficient time, excerpts will nonetheless appear, God willing, soon enough.

Continue to tune in. All has not been lost to faded memory and rueful revisionism. The truth will be told, all in due time.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Portland Redux

Quick thing:

-A cute dark-haired girl was reading Nine Stories at the trolley stop this morning. I thought about cozying up next to her with my own hardcover, but thought better of it. This really happened.

Is this all a charade? Who are these Portlanders? The extensive set of hip gimmicks in this city is enough to make me reconsider the whole planned trip back East. Further investigation will have to wait until I get back from LV.

Portland



This sign welcomes people to Portland, TN, not Portland, OR, but still.

Day one of the pro-blog retreat, which negates on-time posting, meant provisioning myself with the basic necessities. These fall far short of HST's packing list, but at least I was on the right track.

- Six-pack Budweiser tall boys
- Hard pack Camel Lites

The train ride involved sitting next to a sixteen-year-old girl with braces who quickly busied herself by coloring in a Barbie coloring book, mainly sincerely (which I didn't know teenage girls did, but that is one demographic I'll readily admit I have no connection with). So I fell asleep easily, having ingested three of said tallboys shortly before boarding the bus. Intermittent wakeups brought about the general impression that natural wonder abounds in Tacoma's environs, but that the gritty mud flats stave off any green infestation. The windows allowed, to my left, a glowing yellow light from flowering plants that must have been deliberately planted alongside the tracks, and to my right, the interrupted flatness of the Puget Sound. Mountainous islands jut out from the water like jagged rickety ladies - gray, hard, and beautiful in their hardened delicacy. A newborn waah'd from time to time. He was British and his name was Mitchell, but his mother insisted on calling him Mitch; his distress was, to me, certainly understandable. Only several months old and already named after David Hasselhoff's character from Baywatch. A double-edged sword, at best.

My main concern during my train ride was that I was snoring, but I couldn't do much about it since I was asleep, and so I kept right on sleeping. Waking in Portland meant an easy time navigating and plenty of eye candy. Compared with Tacoma's hardened bartenders, waifish meth addicts, and Mickey-D's-fed wo-men, Portland is a menagerie full of leopards and cheetahs (rowr!). My second visit confirms my initial suspicion that the town is expert in giving a utopian impression to the visitor. A high school immediately abuts a park in which thirtysomething dog owners play fetch and children merely hang out (is there anyone over forty in the entire city?). The one homeless man I saw there kept to himself on a park bench, too at ease (poetic license, perhaps, but bear in mind this is an impression) to even ask me for a coin. The sun shone through the leaves onto the deep green sidewalks, and cars were smart and rare.

Spent several hours in a (gay?) bar watching beautiful (gay?) men and women cavort about. Drank about six Mirror Pond Pale Ales (recommended), slightly hoping to get picked up on by someone so I could embark on a night of betrayed fantasies (theirs) and ribald adventure (mine). I would have had to stay longer for any such eventuality, however, and I still needed to figure out how to get to PDX - my excuse for spending time at the bar was to solicit this information from the bartender (it worked!) - so I cut it off there, and retired to my friend Jeffro's newly acquired apartment, which I must add is an incredible find. Way to go Jeff.

Tomorrow means a relatively early wakeup, some breakfast at one of Portland's many Brooklynesque (if I may venture the comparison) diners, then a hop on the trolley (west coast is crayzee) to the airport for the real fear and loathing to begin.