It used to be a weekly bonus round at the ideelz engine to combust whatever happened across the No. 1 spot on the Billboard charts. Now that non-entity T-Pain has finally been dragged off the king-of-the-mountain molehill, it's time to stop failing to give some artists the hundred-word-plus treatment.
Once again, T-Pain is not in the No. 1 slot. It's Usher, and it's Jeezy. And it's Love.
Back during Thug Motivation 101, Jeezy didn't go to clubs. There was no time to get laid. There was only time to sell crack. But that's alright. Everybody's got to loosen up and live a little.
When he did get lucky, Jeezy used to kick girls out by 3:45, but he's been hanging out with Usher a lot lately, and man, Usher gets laid. A lot. Girls actually call him. Jeezy asked Usher for some tips when they met on the set for a music video a couple weeks ago. In a real "My Fair Lady" moment, Usher took Jeezy to Ms. Beaucraft's Tea Room to show him some proper etiquette. When the coffee was served, Jeezy took a six-foot-long Crayzee Straw out of his pocket, but Ms. Beaucroft rapped his hands with a ruler. Pretty soon Jeezy was putting the napkin on his lap and saying "Pass the crudites, please."
After several more steps in the taming of Jeezy (including a trip to Men's Wearhouse), Usher finally figured Jeezy was ready to meet a real nice girl.
"Alright. We're ready to hit the club. No weed this time, Jeezy, no automatic weapons either. Leave the coke back at home. We're gonna get a girl that was raised right."
***
The music in the club is kinda fast, 120 bpm, and really loud. Jeezy puts in some earplugs and, despite Usher's admonitions, orders two Long Island Iced Teas from the bar. Sucking on the second lemon, he spots a young lady with delicate features. The highlights in her hair are accentuated by the black lights. She looks alone. So he walks over.
"Hey, you're beautiful." I wonder if Jeezy smokes, and that's why he's so raspy. Usher said this line would work, he thinks. He kind of trips over the "f" in beautiful.
"Hey." The girl notices this guy has big muscles and kind of looks familiar. She knows she's seen him before, but she doesn't know she saw him on Sucker Free Sunday in 2005. But she's not unreceptive.
Jeezy goes in for the kill. "You're beautiful / I bet you drink Beautifuls." This is a good trick. Everybody likes Beautifuls, and they're a little spendy, Cognac with GM and a cherry, so the club girls melt for this shit.
"I wouldn't mind one if you'd buy me one."
At the bar, two Beautifuls await. They await someone who actually ordered them but had to step aside to talk to a friend. Jeezy doesn't care. He hands one to the lady.
One thing leads to another, and because Usher said no cocaine, and Jeezy can't raise him on his cell, and the satin sheets he got from Victoria's Secret the other week (man, that was awkward) are actually pretty comfortable, Jeezy nestles his head into those fine highlights. The smell of hairspray lulls him into a deep sleep.
When he wakes up the next morning, birds are chirping. The beautiful girl is gone. But there's a note with her name and number: "Betty - 404-555-2020."
Usher showed Jeezy Swingers just the other day, so he knows he's got to play it cool. He goes for a jog then drives to the studio to do some ad-libs.
Usher's in the Virgin Islands for the next couple days, and Jeezy's hard-up for date ideas. He watches some "How I Met Your Mother" and "Two and a Half Men," which Usher TiVo'd for him, and learns about "dinner and a movie." He looks through the listings in The Onion A.V. Club - those guys really know their stuff - and sees "Funny Games" got an A-. It might be an A, the minus sign is a little smudged.
"'Funny Games'?!" Beautiful Betty says. My mom told me never to go to an R-rated movie with a man I just met, but what the hey, 'Funny Games' - how bad can it be?"
In the theater, Jeezy tries to put his arm around Betty right when the two preppy kids are forcing Naomi Watts to take off her clothes. Betty says she has to go to the bathroom and never comes back.
Jeezy stays in the theater to watch the rest of the movie. He kind of likes the opera they use at the beginning, and thinks about buying a house in Cape Cod. He's not sure if he's gonna hang out with Usher too much more. He's not ungrateful, he's just a busy guy.
****
[The keyboard line flows smoothly. Usher's voice is alright. Jeezy's verse is nothing too exciting, except the mention of the R-rated film and the use of "medicine" and "dose" metaphors. But mainly it isn't T-Pain.]
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